


what could've been

by litesalted



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M, This is not Happy, sorry - Freeform, this is disappointing with a bittersweet end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 04:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13473249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litesalted/pseuds/litesalted
Summary: this is a vent about a rejection i'm waiting for. sorry for the sad, i'm also Sad so if that helps anything





	what could've been

**Author's Note:**

> i'm literally so sad at the moment and i needed to get it out. no one dies, no one does something stupid, but it's just a little bittersweet.
> 
> this is also really bad cause i haven't revised it, I'm too tired so sorry

Michael didn’t realize he loved Jeremy as more than a friend for a good few months. He brushed aside his feelings, thinking them as unimportant and denying them as long as they could. Then he watched Jeremy continue through life, and suddenly was hit by the realization. He was sitting in his car, after dropped Jeremy off, and realized how much he really loved Jeremy. He started panicking. There was no way he’d ever had a chance with Jeremy and that sucked a lot.

He immediately called Christine, his hands shaking so bad it took a good few minutes before he was able to press the call button. Waiting for her to pick up was the most excruciating moment in his entire life. Well, not the most but it was definitely up there. Once she answered, Michael lost it. He started rambling, not really making sense and losing his breath and his body and mind shut down when he finally stopped talking.

“Okay, I didn’t understand most of what you said, but I think you’re main point was that you loved Jeremy,” Christine eventually said. Michael sighed, nodding even though she couldn’t see him.

“I do,” Michael managed out.

“Well, what’s so bad about that?” Christine asked. Michael jolted.

“What do you mean, what’s so bad about that? Christine he does not like me like that and he never will, don’t you see?” Michael blurted. Christine sighed.

“Michael, you don’t know that. He could really like you, you’re his best friend,” Christine said. Michael shook his head, running a hand through his hair.

“He can never know about this, you’re sworn to secrecy,” Michael hissed. Christine once again sighed but agreed. This confession was never to be discussed about unless it was them two alone.

After Michael hung up, he immediately drove home, figuring out how he could get over Jeremy as soon as possible. He wouldn’t touch him as often as he did, he wouldn’t text him everyday, he wouldn’t dream about him every five seconds. He would do everything in his power to push Jeremy just far enough away that he could work out his feelings without Jeremy noticing.

So that’s what he did. He almost succeeded, being able to stand being around Jeremy without his heart bursting out of his chest and his hands sweating gallons. He was able to meet Jeremy’s eyes without burning up with a feeling of love. He restrained himself from texting Jeremy whenever a dumb thought popped into his head, settling for just writing it down. He actually started writing a lot of things down, mainly about Jeremy. His journal was the one place where he was unafraid to admit how he felt.

As the months passed by, almost everyone in their friend group had picked it up and decided to take it upon themselves to make Michael confess. He refused every time someone suggested something sweet or cute, knowing if he did anything like that he would regret it. Although, Chloe had an idea that Michael actually considering. He would flirt ever so slightly with Jeremy, seeing if Jeremy would do the same back. Chloe reassured him constantly whenever he felt he went too far with it, saying that Jeremy soon would reveal how he felt and it would be positive. Everyone believed they would end up being together.

One day, when the sun was scorching more than usual in the summer, he would out getting ice cream with Brooke and Chloe. They were relaxing and chatting about things they’d done so far, mostly the girls doing the talking since Michael hadn’t really done anything except work at his new job at 7-11 and play video games. Sometimes he went out swimming with the guys, which resulted him in looking like burnt toast from being in the sun.

“Michael,” Chloe said, snapping her fingers in his face. Michael jumped.

“Yeah?” He said, frowning at her.

“Did you hear what we said?” Brooke asked. Michael paused but then shook his head.

“We think you should tell Jeremy how you feel,” Chloe stated. Michael started choking, hacking out coughs and hitting his chest repeatedly.

“Are you insane?” Michael managed out after catching his breath.

“It might work out! Haven’t you noticed how Jeremy has started to be around you more, involuntarily? He literally drifts towards you like you’re a magnet and his that weird flaky metal in kids toys,” Chloe rushed out. Michael shook his head.

“No way. I could lose him as a friend if that did happen. I don’t want that. Besides, senior year is gonna start soon, so I’ll only have a year until we go to college and then I can date other guys and it’ll be fine,” Michael said, standing. Brooke forced him to sit down again, much to his dismay.

“You need to tell him Michael. It’s driving us insane, all of us,” Brooke said softly. Michael sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“I’ll think about it,” he said. They dropped it after that, going back to discussing what activities the group should do for the rest of the summer.

Michael really did think about it. In fact, it kept him up until 2AM until he passed out sitting up in bed. He would frequently text Christine his messy thoughts at these times at night, and thanked her profusely for listening him and not questioning him at all. He wanted to tell Jeremy. He wanted to know how Jeremy felt, he needed to know whether he had a chance or not. He needed to know if any of this pain was worth it.

What if Jeremy did like him back? Would they start dating? Would they go on dates and kiss and hold hands and ignore the rest of the world? Could Michael actually fall asleep with Jeremy in his arms rather than just thinking about it? Would he be able to live out every single fantasy he had about them? Would they do cheesy couple things like go to the fair that came every year, and feed each other cotton candy? Could he really have Jeremy all to himself?

He drove himself up the wall, pulling his hair and worrying so much that a few of the others had to intervene. They kept saying that it was worth it, that Jeremy did like him back, they could feel it. So Michael started to feel it too. He felt the burn and butterflies he thought he was through with. He started to touch Jeremy more, brushing shoulders or hands, and each time Michael felt sparks burst through his whole body. He loved Jeremy.

He loved Jeremiah Heere and he wanted to shout it from the rooftops. He wanted to tell him. He had to know. He wanted the fantasy world he had built up, refusing to think about what he would do if he ended up being rejected. He didn’t blink at the possible chance Jeremy didn’t feel the same. He put all his energy into thinking that he had a chance, that he and Jeremy could be happy forever and after.

He decided he would tell Jeremy after a dinner the group was having. Jeremy could drive now and had his own car, so Michael wouldn’t have to take him home after. The rest of the gang was in on it, but pretended like nothing was going to happen. They treated it as another normal night, Michael thanking them endlessly in his head. As the night turned later, people started growing sleepy and Michael started growing anxious. He was seriously second-guessing himself, his palms having to be wiped on his pants consistently. He started wiping his glasses more and fidgeting with the table cloth. Christine noticed and suddenly declared she had to go to the bathroom. She jolted up and rushed out. Michael immediately stood after, saying he also had to go and ran after Christine.

She was waiting by the bathroom doors, and smiled when she saw Michael. Michael chewed his bottom lip, needing to be reassured that what he was doing wasn’t a mistake.

“Michael, it’s gonna come out one way or another. It’s better if it comes from you,” Christine said, holding his hands. He sighed and nodded,

“I know. It’s just terrifying,” Michael whispered. Christine gave him a weak smile.

“It is. And that’s okay! It’s gonna be fine,” Christine said softly. Michael nodded, recollecting himself and taking a deep breath.

“I’m gonna tell Jeremy I love him,” Michael said confidently. Christine grinned and the two walked back to the table.

“Hey, Michael, do you think we could talk outside?” Jeremy said. Michael froze, looking over at the rest of the group. They were all just as shocked at he was.

“Um, yeah sure,” Michael stuttered.

The two left the table and instead of walking to the bathrooms, walked out into the hot summer night air. Michael swallowed, rubbing his bare arms.

“What’s going on? You always tell me everything, but you’ve really pulled yourself away. You’ve started talking to the others more, which is fine, but I feel like you’re hiding something from me,” Jeremy said, running a hand through his curly hair.

Michael swallowed, looking up at the night sky. He prayed to whatever being resided in the sky that this wouldn’t backfire. He took a shaky breath and looked back down at Jeremy. He really had grown to be much taller than Jeremy.

“Yeah, well there’s a reason for that. That sounds wrong, hold on,” Michael started, waving his hands and growing flustered. Jeremy reached out and placed a hand on Michael’s shoulder, causing Michael to relax instantly.

“There’s something I haven’t been telling you. Because I was terrified of our friendship falling apart, and I really didn’t want that. I love being your best friend. But, um, turns out I’d love to be something more,” Michael said. He didn’t wait for Jeremy’s reaction. “I really like you, Jeremy. It’s kind of ridiculous how much. Everyone knows except you, because I was positive you didn’t like me back, but I needed to tell you. The others really encouraged me to do this, and so I am. I like you, like a lot. And I need to know if you like me too,” Michael finished.

He let himself look at Jeremy, who was staring in shock. He looked down at his feet, suddenly very self conscious of what position he was in. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling his heart racing in his chest. Jeremy really was taking a long time to finish.

“Michael, I,” Jeremy paused, looking for the right words. “I didn’t know you felt this way. I always figured you were just being friendly, I didn’t know. Which probably isn’t fun to hear if you’ve been dropping hints for a while. I honestly don’t know what to say right now.”

“Yes or no. That’s all I need,” Michael whispered.

Jeremy sighed, moving forward so he was almost touching Michael. Michael’s breath hitched and he met Jeremy’s eyes. He searched and searched for a positive reaction but he found none.

“No. No, I don’t feel the same way,” Jeremy choked out. 

Michael felt a knife go through his chest. He took a large step back, turning away as to not look at Jeremy. This was every fear he had pushed down, and now he didn’t know what to do. The guy he loved, had loved for months, didn’t feel the same way.

“Alright. That’s all I needed,” Michael managed out, his voice cracking. “Tell the others I didn’t feel well, and I’m going home.”

“Michael, no. You should stay, please they-”

“I said I’m going home, Jeremy,” Michael snapped. He didn’t look to see Jeremy’s expression as he ran to his car.

How could he have been so stupid? He should’ve seen how Jeremy didn’t like him back. He should’ve known, should’ve moved on as soon as he could instead of pinning up until this moment. He felt so empty. All the nights staying up thinking about Jeremy, all the times he went on long rants about his feelings to anyone who would listen, all the energy he spent meant nothing. Jeremy didn’t feel the same and never would.

He jumped into his car, turning it on and speeding out of the parking lot. He was so angry. How could he let this happen? How could he let it this far? Why did this have to happen to him?

When he got home, he had numerous texts from everyone, most of them going off about Jeremy and a few concerned for Michael. He texted them back individually that he was back home and needed time to process. He was hurting, more than he felt was necessary and wanted to sleep until it went away.

After the confession, nothing was the same. Michael and Jeremy grew apart, moving onto different things. Jeremy started dating a girl from his math class, and Michael started dating a guy he met at a music store. Neither of them talked as much as they used to, never spending the night at each other’s houses. Michael was devastated by this chasm between them, but he knew it was for the best.

When everyone went to college, Michael only really kept in contact with everyone except Jeremy. Soon, they didn’t talk at all. Michael saw things Jeremy posted on social media, mostly things about school life and his new boyfriend. Michael still felt a sting in his chest, but he had moved on. He felt better, and he was in a very loving relationship with a guy from his english class. He lost his virginity to this guy, and loved him a lot. This was what Michael needed and deserved.

Even if he lost his best friend, someone he had known all his life, he was still happy. He really was. He wouldn’t change a single thing.


End file.
